Meat: Steal my story idea.

Meat!

In the not so distant future, meat isn’t really a thing anymore, at least not meat from animals.

Cultured meat is grown in a vat and never involves creating anything that could be mistaken for a brain. Even edible plant parts are routinely produced by cellular culture, simply because it’s cheaper, easier, and more flexible. After all, why grow a banana tree when all you need is the banana? The feedstock for these cultures consists largely of single-celled algae powered by the sun.

The DNA of these cells is, of course, directly engineered, making them streamlined and more efficient, to the point that they could not live as an independent organism anyhow. Your beef not only never had a brain, but doesn’t even have the DNA to code for one.

Meat from animals isn’t strictly illegal, but is nearly so. Its production and consumption is culturally unacceptable among all but the most conservative or deviant. The required farming and slaughter is considered cruel and barbaric, even more so than, say, hunting deer is seen by many today. Animal-welfare laws quite intentionally make it prohibitively expensive or just plain impossible (think foie gras) to produce meat from animals. Like I said, not really a thing anymore.

With this as the background, the sort of people who are vegans today still exist, but in the form of no-cell advocates. True to their name, they refuse to eat anything made up of once-living cells, instead subsisting on fully-synthetic food created by nanotech-assisted chemistry, lacking DNA or even cell walls. It’s organic material, of course, which is all we really need to live.

The reasons given for no-cell are all over the place, including stated concerns about the ability of cells to suffer, the evils of genetic engineering, and of course, alleged health benefits. Since it’s somewhat more difficult and expensive to maintain this lifestyle, it has become a status symbol; a mark of wealth and culture, of both physical and ideological purity. The President of North America, for example, does not lower herself to consume cells.

No-cell food is referred to by many labels, including no-cell, but the standard marketing is to call it inorganic.

There’s not enough here for a story, but it looks like good background material. Since I’m not making any use of it, and since you can’t copyright ideas (especially those as obvious as this one), I’m making it freely available for you to steal.

Attribution welcome but not required.

The breakfast of champions

You think I can fit in more toppings?

Congee, or jook, is rice porridge. You can think of it as watery, Chinese risotto, but that’s not really fair to either dish.

Congee is comfort food: good for breakfast, but also any time you want a warm, pleasant meal that sits well in your belly. I call it Chinese, but there are versions of it all over the place, including Korea, Japan, and Vietnam. Historically, the name we use was borrowed from a similar dish in India.

The trick to congee is that it’s fairly bland, but you serve it with a variety of toppings to taste. The version I’m posting today uses a pressure cooker, which is perfect for the job, and it includes a ton of assorted toppings, including more meat than is traditional. In fact, it’s cooked with chicken, giving it a subtle but deeply meaty flavor.

Other than the rice and water ratio, most of this can be varied based on what you have handy and what you prefer, so feel free to substitute and improvise. However, quality matters; using premium versions of the various sauces has a big impact.

The basic toppings are the sesame oil, soy sauce, scallions, and peanuts. Breakfast versions often add a soft-boiled egg. Really, it’s hard to go wrong, and once you get hooked on congee, you’ll never escape the craving.

Here’s what I use:

1 pack of Lap Cheong Chinese sausage
1 lb. chicken thighs, with skin and bones
olive oil, to coat bottom of pot
garlic, crushed or chopped
ginger, crushed or chopped
12 cups water
1 Tbsp Better Than Bouillon® Chicken Base (or 3 bouillon cubes)
1.5 cups of short-grained white rice, washed (sushi rice works well)
scallions, one bunch
peanuts, a large handful
soy sauce, the real kind
sesame oil; pure, not blended
fish sauce, ideally Red Boat
sriracha, such as the usual rooster

  1. Steam sausages in trivet over a cup of water using 10 minute Manual mode with quick release
  2. Allow sausages to cool, break them in half, and freeze in plastic bag
  3. Pull the skin off the chicken and put aside for later
  4. Sauté the garlic and ginger in the (open) pressure cooker
  5. Add the water and bouillon, stirring them up
  6. Add rice and place skinless chicken on top
  7. Cook using Porridge mode, with natural release
  8. Meanwhile, spread skins on plate and sprinkle heavily with soy sauce, then microwave for 3 minutes
  9. Transfer skins to second plate, leaving rendered fat behind, and microwave for about 2 minutes, until crispy but not burned
  10. Drain skins and allow to cool, then freeze in plastic bag
  11. Chop up scallions and crush the peanuts, then refrigerate in plastic bags
  12. Chop up about half a sausage (defrosting each half for about 15 seconds in the microwave, if frozen)
  13. Crush some chicken skin into largish pieces (no need to defrost)
  14. Once the congee is done, scoop out the chicken and shred it with a fork, removing the bones; freeze what you don’t use now, portioned out
  15. To serve: pour congee into bowl and top with meats, toppings, and sauces, to taste

Makes about 6 servings. You should try to eat it all in the next few days, defrosting chicken and sausages proportionately. When reheating, you’ll want to add maybe a quarter cup of water to each bowl, to keep the thickness right.

Sausage in a bun

For lunch, I boiled and fried sweet Italian chicken sausage, and then served it up in a toasted pretzel hot dog bun with some remoulade. Next time, I’ll fry up some onions, and maybe also add relish. And there’ll definitely be a next time, because it turned out delicious.

This is the sort of dish that doesn’t require much skill but depends heavily on the quality of the ingredients. I got my sausages from the meat counter at Whole Foods, and that made all the difference. There really isn’t much of a recipe, past the description, but it got me thinking about a classic bit: Kissing Hank’s Ass.

In case you haven’t heard of it, it’s a satire about Christianity and Pascal’s wager. It came to mind because it concludes with a funny bit in which condiments and buns are used as a metaphor for sex. I’d recommend reading it right now or just watching a video.

Yes, this is atheist activism, something we been seeing a lot of lately. It’s become all too fashionable among the “progressives” of the populist left to not only wear their atheism on a sleeve but to act as vulgar proselytizers more interested in telling people how stupid their beliefs are than changing minds or making things better. I find this counterproductive.

Rather than fighting for atheism, we would all benefit from a culture that is more secular. This means that people are free to hold private religious beliefs, but these are truly private and have no place in public life, particularly not in politics. If you have no better justification for a cause than the fact that your religion tells you to support it, then you have no justification worth listening to.

Likewise, we should treat religious beliefs like genitals: everyone has them, but nobody wants to see yours. If for some reason they do, they can ask, but you’re not free to just whip them out under the assumption that anyone else will find them to be as interesting as you do. Public declarations of religiosity from politicians are particularly disgusting. Worse than chopped hot dogs smothered in sauerkraut.

Pressure-cooker risotto

Sometimes a meal is just a meal. This was part of mine.

Cooking risotto is supposed to be a daunting task. You add liquid a bit at a time, as the previous bit boils off. You stir and stir. And if you make a mistake, it’s all over.

Or you could just use a pressure cooker and take all of the guesswork and skill out of the equation. No stirring, no adding, just press a button. And it’s all in a single pot that you add one ingredient after another to.

Here’s my recipe, so far.

olive oil
1 onion, finely chopped
1 garlic clove, finely chopped (pre-chopped is fine)
2 small cans portobello mushrooms, drained
2 cups Arborio rice
1/2 cup drinkable white wine (or sherry or whatever)
4 cups of broth (chicken or beef)
1/2 cup mascarpone cheese
1 lemon, zested and juiced
dried parsley and basil
salt and pepper, to taste

  1. Saute the onion and garlic in a bit of olive oil until translucent, about 5 minutes
  2. Add mushrooms, cooking down for a minute or two; longer if fresh and not canned
  3. Add rice, lightly toasting until the edges are translucent
  4. Add wine, stirring until absorbed
  5. Add broth and seal the pressure cooker, setting it for 7 minutes
  6. Do a quick release and mix in the remaining ingredients

Makes about 6 servings. You can use it as a side dish, or add cooked shrimp or chicken. (Raw chicken chunks can also be added alongside the onions.)